I came across an entry in a journal of mine that I use to take notes at church or when I’m reading. This particular entry was from a few years ago.
I remember when I wrote it. I had finally realized that despite my depression, whether medical or emotional (which for me it’s both), God would lead me through it and could still bless me and use me in spite of it. I knew He could take me to another level but I had no idea how He was going to do it. I had many ideas for Him but obviously He has His own.
This entry is a window into my mind; a picture of a conversation I had between myself and God. I am sure I’m not alone. Many others deal with the same type of conflict. We know where we want to go, but we have no idea how to get there.
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Looking back I can see exactly why I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I invite you now to read my thoughts and my prayer. Some of it sounds selfish, but I wanted to be completely honest with God.
I am angry today for no good reason. I’m not happy with our situation. I don’t want to work full-time. I want my own house and am tired of moving all the time. I want to be available for real ministry. But I am doing real ministry. Chad could probably be more effective if I was supportive and respectful of him. I am the primary example for my kids. I don’t want my job to be my priority – and I don’t think it has to be, although I spend a majority of my time there.
I once told God that I would not stop seeking Him until He blessed me. He has blessed me but I want more of Him. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to be free of this depression and bondage. I don’t know why He hasn’t taken it away, but I will trust Him anyway. I have to will myself to trust Him. That is not my natural response.
Help me to practice self-denial. This is not my nature.
Help me to love my whole family the way You love me. With patience, grace, and a deep love.
Help me to trust You with our money. Help me to remember if I obey, You will provide. And I need to ask before You give. You desire to bless.
Have you ever been honest and open with God? Completely honest? If not, now is a great time to do so. He already knows what you’re thinking and feeling inside anyway.
Join me next Monday, June 6 for a FREE 5 day email challenge,
If you struggle with self-condemnation, believing the promises of God in His Word, or simply need to be reminded who you are in Christ, this challenge is for you. Don’t wait – It’s free!!
I’m looking forward to sharing this time with you.